Friday, December 25, 2009

Is it ok to post this on Christmas Day?


{warning, this isn't your typical Christmasy-post. please stop reading if this offends you}


I made it through Christmas 2009.

It hit me Christmas Eve after everyone went to bed. I had a mini panic attack when I realized that the following day would be Christmas. I used to think things would have been worked out by now. I stayed up and had a good cry.

It was tough.
Very, very tough.
More-so than I let on.
I just focused on how blessed I am to have a hilarous family to celebrate with.
My brother came home.
And that made me very happy.
I also got everything my little heart could ever want and more.
Not to mention, the after-Christmas shopping starts tomorrow.
:)

Is it ok that my first post of the story is on Christmas?
I think so...

First and foremost, I owe credit where credit is due. Thank you Rasha, from And This Is What She Said for the inspiration to get this out. I love you girl; thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

For the rest of you- I hope that over the next weeks, as this story unfolds... I’m able to help you… I’m able to inspire you to pick up the pieces and move on, no matter how broken or shattered you may feel through whatever circumstance you are facing.

I hope that I inspire you to relearn and redefine happiness in your own terms, and not someone else’s. And if this is an adventure that you’re willing to take- redefining happiness, email me. We’ll face it together. I’ll cry with you, listen to you and laugh with you. Really, I will.

Disclaimer:
as stated before, I don’t write because I secretly am hoping that somehow, someway he will discover this blog, rethink his decision and come running back to me. So, if you’re reading this- great. It’s your way of stay connected without actual communication. Also, I don’t write out of bitterness. Am I still angry? At times, yes. But I have taken a conscious effort from the very beginning to not let bitterness triumph over my other emotions. I’m allowed to be angry for what happened. I don’t want it to develop into bitterness.

With all that being said, here’s part 1.

The meet:
Let’s take it back to 2004. I was a freshman in college, surrounded by girls everywhere. Granted, I had a few good guy friends, but since I lived with all girls… it was like girls night times seven nights a week. Fun at times, but you know how girls are… oh… you know.

It was a snowy night that we met. School had been canceled that day because of the snowstorm {which in the south was a huge deal} and my girlfriends and I had been out looking for fun {errrr… trouble, what?}. Completely by chance, my group passed his group of friends who were out enjoying the freshly fallen snow as well. The group hit it off instantly; in just a matter of a few minutes, we were all sledding down mountains in Rubbermaid containers and mattresses like we had all been friends for years. Ooooh, college…

We ended the evening by spinning donuts in the mall parking lot and a number/aim {back when that was cool} exchange frenzy. Somehow, even though I had my eye on someone else… our names crossed paths and no sooner than I had gotten back to my dorm did I have a message from him on my computer.

The rest of the semester was spent talking to each other into the wee hours of the morning. No sparks, just friends… mutually.

After returning from summer break, we found ourselves in the same social crowd… again completely by chance. Over the year, our friendship was strengthened and by the end of the school year… he was one of my very best friends. I could talk to him about anything, guys, school, personal issues… anything.

School was let out again for the summer, only this particular summer we stayed in contact. By the time we returned to school in the fall, we were almost inseparable. After “going through” a few guys, I started to realize this {fall} semester that every guy I considered dating just fell short from where Former stood...

I’ll never forget it… as we departed for Christmas break 2006, I realized I had fallen helplessly and pathetically in love with this boy… but I kept my mouth shut. Like most girls, I wanted to be pursued… and I would tell myself every night that if it’s meant to be… it would happen.

I prayed, every night I prayed for him. I prayed so many prayers for him and about him. So many sleepless nights I found myself awake just praying. I knew he was going to be somebody special if I was just patient enough.

By the time summer rolled around though, nothing had happened and I started to realize that I couldn’t continue giving him myself without any kind of commitment back from him- so I backed off. I cried like a baby when we hugged goodbye for the summer because I knew that things couldn’t be the same when we returned.

That summer, I actually ended up dating someone else. Funny though, because I refused to tell Former that I was actually in a committed relationship with someone else. Although I thought about Former every single day, I kept my distance for the sake of my emotional health. If we hung out, it was in groups. I stopped calling him all the time and left the communication up to him. If he wanted to talk, I would be there {that's my loyal personality shining through}- but I had to stop offering myself to him emotionally.

I kept my guard till Christmas of that semester {my junior year- our friendship 3 years deep}. I’ll never forget that night. We were some of the few students that had to stay past finals week to work. He was lonely- so he called to hang out. Over dinner that night, I finally told him that I was in a relationship… as in, yes- I had a boyfriend. He was almost shocked. And later told me that he instantly became jealous. I was his girlnot some other dude’s girl. Still nothing was mentioned and I went on with my business...

You'll have to come back for part 2. ;)

I’ll be back this week to talk about my very first award for this blog!

And I can't leave off without asking about your Christmas!!
How was it???
What was your favorite gift?

8 comments:

Little Miss Paige said...

Oh I want to give you a BIG HUGE HUG right now. I'm in it with you sister, I'm in it with you.

XOX

Rasha (andthisiswhatshesaid) said...

thanks for the kind words about me.I sure love you. I am loving this story... cant wait to hear the rest.

Jenni said...

Oh sweetie. Love has a way of working itself out, and you truly deserve the best! I look forward to reading the rest of your story, and I hope it gives you a sense of relief to finally spill it all out. Hugs!

Elizabeth Marie said...

It's good to get it out girl. Blogging has become uber therapeutic for me...we're here for you. xo

MuLtI-CoLoReD SPRINKLES said...

My darling...I love that you are doing this for it is what helped me so much! I pray for you daily...miss you when you are not here and hope that you will have more moments of looking back and being thankful that it is over than looking back and hurting...you are a wonderful woman and I know as it has happened for me you will grow to be strong and determined through this crappy situation. If I can offer any hope...for I know the stages it goes through...it does get better and you will be happy and find someone way more worth your time :-) You met mine :-) Come back and visit soon! LOVE YOU!

dreaming in pink and green said...

ahhhh girllll...I want to read the next paaart...not fair! :) on the edge of my seat

Niks La Mode. said...

I was so into this !! lol ...can't wait for the next part!!!

My Christmas was fabulous! thx!

am hvn a giveaway so come check out my blog!

Miss Kate said...

Awww...I want to hear more of your story :)

You're a beautiful person. Inside and out.

And i'm glad we both made it through Christmas, ha ha <3