Thursday, November 19, 2009

Random Latenight Ramblings... and then some. ;)

BUSY. That's my life in one word. Ok, so maybe it's not as much physically being busy, but mentally- I have been slammed. FTR though, I have been busy with work too. As in, almost every.single.night. I love it.

Today was a hard day.
The kind of day where you hesitate getting out of bed.

They creep in just when I least expect it and when they shouldn't. I've learned to deal with the memories that graze through my mind when they are expected- a certain sports game comes on at work that he adored {and I still personally love the game}, a certain video game is mentioned by the boys at work {still don't get that stupid game}, a certain city is brought up where ten thousand memories were made, friends are planning their weddings and I imagine that a ton of friends are about to get engaged now that Christmas is just around the corner. {36 days, WHAT} I've learned to filter through these memories. They enter my mind and I've learned to force them out just as quickly as they ruthlessly barge in.

But then sometimes it slams me like a 2 year old running into a glass door. I still on occasion have a minor panic attack when I go to play with my ring and it's not there... my heart pounds thinking where I may have left it. Or I think darn, I forgot my ring when I'm in the car on my way to...anywhere. I still think about texting him to see what he thinks sounds good for dinner. I see something ornate and I think to myself, this would look great in the apartment... until I remember I don't live there anymore. There are moments when I still think it's this time last year- long distance. If I can just get through these next few days, everything will be normal again. I get giddy for a moment... and then remember reality.
Cold, hard, spit-in-your-face reality.

I just have this nagging feeling. And it's frustrating trying to determine if it's just me being a girl or if it's my Greater speaking to me.

I was at work tonight and a woman, probably about 10 years my elder was a guest at one of my tables. She was classy: she questioned the wines we offered, requesting the expensive glass, never a hint of snobbish attitude. She was dressed in a modestly classy way, not flashing designer logos but it was clear that her sweater probably didn't come off the sale rack at Target. She ordered a decent size filet mignon and healthy sides in comparison to 'mashed taters n gravy.
I watched her during her entire stay with her friends- she laughed and had the most expressive and genuine smile about her that made it seem as if she was glowing. She listened intently during conversation and whenever I approached the table, it was almost as if she wanted me to pull up a chair and join them. -she was that interested in me-

This was what was different about this woman though:

she had no right leg or right arm.

She sat in a power chair, the kind that we think to be reserved for a nursing home. Her friend had to cut her steak up for her like a mother would to her 2 year old. She needed assistance accomplishing even the smallest of tasks, like holding the paper so she could sign her credit card slip.
She won't go running tomorrow like I will.
She won't put on that fabulous pair of killer stilettos and
go dancing with her girlfriends this weekend.

She probably won't even be able to get into her own car without
some kind of assistance

As I was cleaning the table after they left, I wondered to myself if she was secretly jealous of me. Here I am, in the middle of a pity party because I think my life is in shambles. Unlike her though, things will get better for me. I have another chance, and the only chance she has to ever have 4 limbs again includes physically painful surgeries and therapy and even then- it's not the real thing. I wondered if she was secretly jealous of me- secretly jealous that I am now able to go buy a pair of fabulous new shoes thanks to the uh.mazing tip she left me... jealous that I can drive a stick shift with both feet, jealous when she saw me skip into the kitchen or even jealous of the simple fact that i was able to walk {not ride} to the table. This lady put things into perspective for me tonight. While it's ok to talk/write about my feelings, I do need to remember perspective. For the rest of her life, this woman will walk around with physical scars from whatever happened to her. she wakes up to a constant reminder of her physical disability. But yet this woman looked like the happiest woman I have ever seen in my life. I am so thankful for this woman, who out of 50+ tables... was placed in my 2 table section. Funny how God works things out like that.

In other news:
I'm taking myself shopping on Friday night.
Follow my twitter for some outfit pics!

Those outlets have been calling my name for the last few weeks, begging me to just drop by for a drink or two... you know, a chit-chat catch up sesh on what's new.

In the mean time,
check out Sprinkle's new'do.
Show her some love and beg her to come back to the blogging world.

Also check out Pearls and Curls- new follow? YES PLEASE!! She's new to the blogging world, so show her some looooove!!


Sam said...

what a great post! i don't know your situation, but i've been through something similar.. no ring though, well, i did have one, but it wasn't engagement. we talked about marriage and kids and we lived together. but after 3 1/2 years together things fell apart. i know it was for the best, but i still miss so many things about our relationship that i struggle with it everyday, since the breakup is fairly recent.

this really is an inspiring story and i'll constantly remind myself that my life is pretty darn good in retrospect and i have so many things to be thankful for.

Miss J said...

I still don't know how you do it, other than your an amazing girl! I didn't even know him and I want a good shot at em! Love you pretty girl, keep that head up high!

Rasha @ and this is what she said... said...

New here. Loving your blog and look forward to reading it!

cynthia gayle said...

Inspiring. It's so good to look outside ourselves for some perspective.

Love you babe

Nicole Leigh said...

SO your name is awesome, because my name is nicole leigh!
love your blog!

molly YEH! said...

i get those weird memories of my mr no more, too. and its been way too long to still get them.
you're not alone hun :-)