Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Trust: no one can fix your trust issues but yourself

I’m sitting here tonight, writing through tear stained eyes.

I’ve been enjoying a good glass of red wine on my porch tonight, {yummm! Liz, come join me!} intimidated by taking some time alone for myself {but still comforted in the fact that my roommate is just on the other side of that sliding glass door}.

It’s been such a mixed up week. One hour, I was happy as a little cucumber, the next- my heart was heavy and I was desperate to rip it out so I wouldn’t feel anymore.

Then it hit me tonight: how/when did I ever get to where I am in life right now? Scared to death to spend time alone, without the company of any other person- by myself, with my own thoughts. So afraid to trust anyone for fear that whomever I trust with my emotions, they will turn around and betray that trust that is given to so few.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days. People hurt people, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally in an effort to protect themselves. People are people though and sometimes things don’t work out the way you pictured them to. Sometimes people end up hurt. It’s never simple, never easy, never ever a clean break. And it’s very rare that we can fix things that go awry. We end up pushing people away, all as part as effort to restore peace.

That’s where we, as individuals have to pick up- move forward. Offer peace, and if it’s not accepted, move forward. It’s not fun to hurt, it’s not fun to have your anxiety shoot through the roof to the point where you’re literally shaking, afraid to think about the next hour and the potential emotions, pain and hurt that it might bring. It's not near as much fun drinking a glass of wine by yourself, and it's not fun waking up each morning wishing you didn't have to face the day.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past 8 months, you have to move forward. Move forward from hurt and do whatever it takes to not hold onto it. Moving forward will bring peace over time. You gain perspective. Holding onto hurt is only breeding ground for bitterness. And bitterness brings misery only for the person who is bitter- no one else.

As my Aunt would say, this is when you put on your red high heels {and pearls, as a reminder to stay classy} and face the world with a bright face.

When I’m ready to trust someone, allow myself to be vulnerable with someone again, that person will be provided in my life. I'm not saying they will magically fix my trust issues, no one will fix my trust issues and the 10 foot walls that I put up but myself. It's a personal issue that I will work through, and will overcome with time. But I do know that they will have patience with me when I'm PMSing, and they will be patient with me as I work through these personal issues. They won’t toss around my emotions and heart like a hacky-sak. They will protect it and cherish it and respect me with up-most importance, because that's what I deserve. I won’t have to chase after them. Peace will fill my heart. And everything will be ok... it always is...

I’m so happy to be writing again. It’s such an emotional outlet.

And hey, Queen Bee Swain, I’m finally reading “Someday My Prince Will Come, and ohmygosh, I’m obsessed! It's not a typical, "wait for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet in your white horse" kind of book- just read the first chapter on Amazon and I know you'll be just as obsessed as I am! I spent most of my Sunday morning in bed reading!

My next book: I can’t wait to order this online!


dreaming in pink and green said...

it's an amazing post. sums up EXACTLY how I'm feeling. could have written much of it. someday your prince WILL come :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see you writing again! Even your own cousin follows your blog! lol Your post reminds me of the Rascal Flatts song, "Unstoppable." You should look it up on itunes. You may enjoy it. Good luck with everything and Godspeed!

Rasha said...

Great post my love. I understand so much of what you're going through! I cant wait to read that book either!

cynthia gayle said...

You are learning so much. I am proud of you.

Jenni said...

Thanks for the book tip!!! :)
Being alone can be hard, but im glad you're moving on and being strong...hmmm maybe I need to go buy myself a pair of red high heels and step out into the sun :)

Anonymous said...

Its nice to see a woman's perspective on their personal trust issues. Here I am searching online trying to find clues/insight/understanding on how to help mend trust issues when I came across this blog posting.

I have been dating a woman (no longer as of a week ago) for 2 years. She had been married and has two children. In the beginning (dating phase) I had a business outing in NYC and brought a friend along as she fit the bill to be a potential model for a new company launching.

Little did I know that would create such a huge spiral in my relationship. It was purely business, and nothing else. Unfortunately that singular situation has caused the largest ripple in what I believe to be "the one" and for some reason she can't let it go.

Nothing went on, and there is nothing there on any-other level then just business.

I miss my love so much, and just not sure how to get her to see that the trust issue might be from her past playing into what we have and its sabotaging us.

So here I am searching online trying to find ways to help bring her back.. Just so lost right now!!!