Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I don't have a clever title for this one

I won't lie or beat around the bush about tonight's post.

I've been sad all day.
A kind of sadness though, where I'm ok- complete, 100% ok.
Still, I'm sad. heavy. emotional.

One year ago today, my life changed and was never going to return to the normal that I knew. A year ago today, I was in a ball in the kitchen floor as my mother sat next to me, handing me tissue after tissue, watching her daughter face the deepest pain she had ever known. A year ago today, the person I had trusted, love more than life itself and innocently given my entire heart to shattered the world as I knew it.

Today has stirred up more emotions that I care to allow, but I'm also completely at peace with it. It's a step in healing; it's grieving and most importantly, it's a step in moving forward. I've had to close my eyes several times today as I choked back years; it was during these moments that I came to the understanding and peace that it's ok that I'm grieving today, it's ok that tears are stinging my eyes.

I have a feeling that these coming weeks will be an emotional roller-coaster. I'll have my ups and downs; my days where I'm on top of the world and other days where I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and read my favorite novel in an attempt to escape the present emotion and slip into a world where I can easily predict the entire ending chapter.

I am determined of several things this month:

1. I will exercise to fight even the slightest hints of depression
2. I will {finally} finish "my story" that I haven't had the courage to finish for fear of facing the emotion that would accompany my writing

3. I will go through this process, I will grieve and I will cry, but I won't let this be a road block to the promising future I hold.

This part of my life is and always will be a part of my past. I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and and I'm definitely not embarrassed to write about it anymore. Everyone deals with grief differently. So, let this be your warning: if anyone dares tell me this is something I shouldn't be writing about or should have "let go" long ago, then I suggest you read something else. I will cut you.

With a few boxes of Kleenex and a few longs calls home, I'll make it through this. I'll be a stronger person with a brighter future. It helps that I have the most amazing support group known to mankind.


{andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

amen girlfriend, you can get through this and im here for you. xoxo

ManoloChooLou said...

We're cheering for you. So cliche, but everything becomes easier with time. Be strong! :)

cynthia gayle said...

You ARE a strong woman and this past year has made you stronger. We always learn our greatest lessons--the ones that mold and make us into who we are--duing the trials of life. Looking back over pain I have been through--I realize I would not be who I am today without those trials. The deepest betrayal I suffered through caused me to be more compassionate, empathetic, caring, sensitive, aware....
I shudder to think how miserable your life would have been with a man (I use that term loosely here) that could not face the trials of life with you.
You have a God who will see you through. Trust Him.