Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Frustration

So please excuse my somewhat down in the dumps post... but I need to write.
You don't have to read if you prefer not to. I won't be offended, promise.

I’m not going to lie or try to hide it... I’m having a really hard time this year. Why is it always “the firsts” that are the hardest to get through, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays?

It’s going to be a hard one this year, I know it is. I made myself numb to Thanksgiving… like it almost didn’t exist. I just spent the entire day forcing myself to think of things to be so thankful for...
my family
my new friends
my job
the opportunities I've been given since August.

That helped. But it also creeped through my mind what should have happened.

We made plans in June to spend Thanksgiving putting up the Christmas tree and decorating our apartment. He couldn’t leave town because of work, so we were going to cook and be festive just the two of us… make the most of the situation of not being with our families for the first time on our first big holiday being married.

This morning I woke up to Christmas music. And tears stinging my eyes. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself numb to this upcoming holiday… not to mention I shouldn’t. Nothing about Christmas is about me. I have it made compared to others… I have a family to spend it with. I have a job. And I’ll be getting presents on both my birthday and Christmas morning. I have an education and amazing friends. But it still hurts, it still stings... like washing your hands with steaming hot water when they are freezing cold.

Modern civilazation, I’d say since WWII has commercialized Christmas… we’ve somehow managed to intertwine Christmas with loving that special someone else, being warm and cuddly and romance.

Why?

It’s hard this year. For the first time in my life, I ignore Christmas lights when I drive by them. I ignore the Christmas music played at work. I’m not super excited about any holiday parties like I have been in the past. I don’t want to be numb to this holiday because it’s not even about me. But how do I put on a smile when I’m dreading the kind of Christmas that the world celebrates… the kind of Christmas that celebrates love and romance and being with a special someone?

After having several days (maybe weeks? I lose track of time) of keeping my tears down, they have been stinging my eyes for a few days now… sometimes they choke me. I hate the dumb Kay commercials… and is it me or are they overkill more so than last year?

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who have been in a similar situation as myself. I was in the bathroom at The Cultured Pearl, {TDF sushi at the beach} and I saw someone who I hadn’t seen in a long time who got wind that I was getting married. She asked how married life was {really? look for my ring, idiot}. I simply just told her that "life is taking me on other roads… err… it’s a long story” and left it at that, which is mostly what I say now. A lady in the bathroom piped up and said, “we all have those stories honey, don’t worry. And be glad it happened now than later.”

1. I hate that she said “we all have those stories”; not because I think my situation is worse than hers or yours, but because I hate that there is so much pain and heartbreak in the world. I mean, I know how much pain I’ve been through this year because of numerous things that have happened… and I hate thinking about anyone else enduring pain like that or pain that is much worse.
2. I just hate it in general when people say be glad it happened now than later. And
3. I hate that I thought I was lucky enough to not have to endure the amount of heartbreak that so many women experience these days… I thought I was being “rewarded” for not being stupid with my emotions and not settling for anything less than what I wanted.


I hate that words have become simply things that people say. Nothing more, nothing less.
And is it really true that every cloud has a silver lining?



Happy post about NY coming tomorrow. I needed to write today though. I had an absolute b.l.a.s.t. and am already planning another trip in the Spring… or maybe, one day… moving there.

Happy Hump Day, lovers.
And I do apologize for my lack of posts/comments.
I'll be back tomorrow.

7 comments:

Rasha @ and this is what she said... said...

I love this post. Its so real. I don know what happened to you, since I haven't been around long enough, (but I want too) but, I understand everything you said. I feel the exact same way.

I do hate that there is so much hurt in the world and that if your not experiencing it, there is a huge chance someone else is. Its not a good feeling.

This post makes you real sweetie. This post makes you human, and I love you for spilling your feelings and posting on this.

Always here if you need to talk.

xoxo

Gwen said...

Oh honey. I'm sending prayers your way. I hope you still find a way to enjoy your holidays even while healing your broken heart. And please keep writing what's in that heart of yours. We're here to be a shoulder when you need us. XOXO

Elizabeth Marie said...

It's good to get it out. The holidays can be so wicked...we miss people we don't want to, we think of what could have been.

We're here for you dollface. Life is a bitch sometimes, but you keep your pretty chin up.

dreaming in pink and green said...

awww, i'm thinking of you :( I'm sending you an email this weekend...and i'm always here if you need to let it out. I wish I could heal your hurt :(

xoxo

Miss Kate said...

I wrote a post similar to this a couple weeks ago. I was just having "one of those days" and the idea of spending a holiday, like Christmas, alone...just bummed me out.

Plus it's SO hard having 2 huge holidays a month apart. For what it's worth, I understand completely how you are feeling.

Chin up & come back to New York soon!! <3

Jade "Purple" Brown said...

those glitter pumps are hot and would be great for a night out!

TraceyLeigh said...

Seriously, I know you read my recent post about my anger and grief about Mike, so good luck with that silver lining BS because right now I don't believe it. But for the sake of being your supportive, loving, wise, older cousin- Hang in there chick. It does get better and when all else fails... "BOYS ARE STUPID" works really really well.