kind of a bad day

I've been cranky pants all day today. Sad and upset for no particular reason, really. Do you ever have days like that? Probably girls more so that guys... still an unexplainable and unavoidable calamity regardless.

Do you ever find it incredibly difficult to keep your head above water? I knew today was going to be a rough day from the moment I rolled out of bed at 6am. My heart was heavy during my normal morning routine and even heavier by the time I sat down in front of my work computer 2 hours later. 110% of me did not want to face today. I knew it was going to be a day where I yearned to just crawl back in bed and sleep until the next morning. It's an escape really, from reality... from emotion... from feeling... from my mind being my worst enemy.

The fact is- my mind is my worst enemy. I blame myself for everything... for every little failure in life that I have faced thus far- broken relationships and friendships mainly, I rationalize a reason to put all the blame on myself. It's a brutal mental fight that takes place in my mind daily... and quite frankly, I'm so weary of dealing with it.

I trust too easily, but you know what? I'll  still pick myself back up and face the world again... all with the grace of a woman... never the grief of a child. And once again... everything will prove to be ok. Everything always proves to be ok.

I'm not usually this vulnerable or this emotional on my blog. I like to keep it a happy place... but today... today is different. Today, I needed to write.

Trust: no one can fix your trust issues but yourself

I’m sitting here tonight, writing through tear stained eyes.

I’ve been enjoying a good glass of red wine on my porch tonight, {yummm! Liz, come join me!} intimidated by taking some time alone for myself {but still comforted in the fact that my roommate is just on the other side of that sliding glass door}.

It’s been such a mixed up week. One hour, I was happy as a little cucumber, the next- my heart was heavy and I was desperate to rip it out so I wouldn’t feel anymore.

Then it hit me tonight: how/when did I ever get to where I am in life right now? Scared to death to spend time alone, without the company of any other person- by myself, with my own thoughts. So afraid to trust anyone for fear that whomever I trust with my emotions, they will turn around and betray that trust that is given to so few.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days. People hurt people, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally in an effort to protect themselves. People are people though and sometimes things don’t work out the way you pictured them to. Sometimes people end up hurt. It’s never simple, never easy, never ever a clean break. And it’s very rare that we can fix things that go awry. We end up pushing people away, all as part as effort to restore peace.

That’s where we, as individuals have to pick up- move forward. Offer peace, and if it’s not accepted, move forward. It’s not fun to hurt, it’s not fun to have your anxiety shoot through the roof to the point where you’re literally shaking, afraid to think about the next hour and the potential emotions, pain and hurt that it might bring. It's not near as much fun drinking a glass of wine by yourself, and it's not fun waking up each morning wishing you didn't have to face the day.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past 8 months, you have to move forward. Move forward from hurt and do whatever it takes to not hold onto it. Moving forward will bring peace over time. You gain perspective. Holding onto hurt is only breeding ground for bitterness. And bitterness brings misery only for the person who is bitter- no one else.

As my Aunt would say, this is when you put on your red high heels {and pearls, as a reminder to stay classy} and face the world with a bright face.

When I’m ready to trust someone, allow myself to be vulnerable with someone again, that person will be provided in my life. I'm not saying they will magically fix my trust issues, no one will fix my trust issues and the 10 foot walls that I put up but myself. It's a personal issue that I will work through, and will overcome with time. But I do know that they will have patience with me when I'm PMSing, and they will be patient with me as I work through these personal issues. They won’t toss around my emotions and heart like a hacky-sak. They will protect it and cherish it and respect me with up-most importance, because that's what I deserve. I won’t have to chase after them. Peace will fill my heart. And everything will be ok... it always is...

I’m so happy to be writing again. It’s such an emotional outlet.

And hey, Queen Bee Swain, I’m finally reading “Someday My Prince Will Come, and ohmygosh, I’m obsessed! It's not a typical, "wait for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet in your white horse" kind of book- just read the first chapter on Amazon and I know you'll be just as obsessed as I am! I spent most of my Sunday morning in bed reading!

My next book: I can’t wait to order this online!

Frustration

So please excuse my somewhat down in the dumps post... but I need to write.
You don't have to read if you prefer not to. I won't be offended, promise.

I’m not going to lie or try to hide it... I’m having a really hard time this year. Why is it always “the firsts” that are the hardest to get through, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays?

It’s going to be a hard one this year, I know it is. I made myself numb to Thanksgiving… like it almost didn’t exist. I just spent the entire day forcing myself to think of things to be so thankful for...

my family
my new friends
my job
the opportunities I've been given since August.

That helped. But it also creeped through my mind what should have happened.

We made plans in June to spend Thanksgiving putting up the Christmas tree and decorating our apartment. He couldn’t leave town because of work, so we were going to cook and be festive just the two of us… make the most of the situation of not being with our families for the first time on our first big holiday being married.

This morning I woke up to Christmas music. And tears stinging my eyes. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself numb to this upcoming holiday… not to mention I shouldn’t. Nothing about Christmas is about me. I have it made compared to others… I have a family to spend it with. I have a job. And I’ll be getting presents on both my birthday and Christmas morning. I have an education and amazing friends. But it still hurts, it still stings... like washing your hands with steaming hot water when they are freezing cold.

Modern civilazation, I’d say since WWII has commercialized Christmas… we’ve somehow managed to intertwine Christmas with loving that special someone else, being warm and cuddly and romance.

Why?

It’s hard this year. For the first time in my life, I ignore Christmas lights when I drive by them. I ignore the Christmas music played at work. I’m not super excited about any holiday parties like I have been in the past. I don’t want to be numb to this holiday because it’s not even about me. But how do I put on a smile when I’m dreading the kind of Christmas that the world celebrates… the kind of Christmas that celebrates love and romance and being with a special someone?

After having several days (maybe weeks? I lose track of time) of keeping my tears down, they have been stinging my eyes for a few days now… sometimes they choke me. I hate the dumb Kay commercials… and is it me or are they overkill more so than last year?

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who have been in a similar situation as myself. I was in the bathroom at The Cultured Pearl, {TDF sushi at the beach} and I saw someone who I hadn’t seen in a long time who got wind that I was getting married. She asked how married life was {really? look for my ring, idiot}. I simply just told her that "life is taking me on other roads… err… it’s a long story” and left it at that, which is mostly what I say now. A lady in the bathroom piped up and said, “we all have those stories honey, don’t worry. And be glad it happened now than later.”

1. I hate that she said “we all have those stories”; not because I think my situation is worse than hers or yours, but because I hate that there is so much pain and heartbreak in the world. I mean, I know how much pain I’ve been through this year because of numerous things that have happened… and I hate thinking about anyone else enduring pain like that or pain that is much worse.
2. I just hate it in general when people say be glad it happened now than later. And
3. I hate that I thought I was lucky enough to not have to endure the amount of heartbreak that so many women experience these days… I thought I was being “rewarded” for not being stupid with my emotions and not settling for anything less than what I wanted.

I hate that words have become simply things that people say. Nothing more, nothing less.
And is it really true that every cloud has a silver lining?

Happy post about NY coming tomorrow. I needed to write today though. I had an absolute b.l.a.s.t. and am already planning another trip in the Spring… or maybe, one day… moving there.

Happy Hump Day, lovers.
And I do apologize for my lack of posts/comments.
I'll be back tomorrow.
☺

The Guiltiest of Pleasures

First and foremost, I need to take time to thank all the veterans who have served our country so we can have freedom. To the ones with us still and the ones who have sacrificed their own lives, thank you. Although we Americans many times take what you do for this country for granted, your service and patriotism does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

{I'm also the proud sister of a retired Air Force Senior Airman}
-me n' bubs-

Up next: I had the most fun opportunity tonight... an opportunity that I didn't even know I was craving, but when it happened, man oh man- I gained some sort of satisfaction that gave me a little extra pep in my step.

You see, while I'm trying to figure out my next step in life, where I'm going from here- I'm working as a server at an area chain restaurant. Not really the job I visioned I would land after college, but hey- I also didn't see the economy/job market crashing upon completion of my undergrad. Regardless- it's what I do. Respect the waitress.

{And tip me 20%, your tip is my paycheck.}

At this particular restaurant though, we have a birthday ritual. We think it's hil.ar.i.ous to make the biggest scene possible about gaining another candle on that birthday cake, whether you're turning 8 or 98. And by making a scene, I mean a gang of us clap obnoxiously from the kitchen to your table, then make you saddle up on a mobile saddle and twirl a white napkin around your head as the entire restaurant applauds and screams "yee-haw."

Now usually, I wimp out as far as the yelling goes. I get someone else to do it, usually a guy because they are soooo much louder and more capable of doing this job. But for the first time tonight, I was the announcer. So, above the blaring music and table chatter of an over-packed restaurant {did I mention I got my arse served to me tonight?}, I got to scream at the top of my lungs: "attention {insert restaurant name here}... we have a very special guest in the building with us tonight. Over here is Kylie and she's celebrating her 8th birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaay." {applause} "On the count of three, let's help her celebrate by giving her a big, loud {restaurant name} 'yeeeeee-haw'"... or something like that.

{via google}

Now usually, I would have been soooo embarrassed to do something like this. I would have done it, but I would have hated every second of it.

Not tonight. Tonight, I loved it. I got to yell. Yell out my frustration and {some} of my anger. Yell because I wanted to and no one was going to shush me or tell me to control my voice or emotions. Now granted, my screaming rant was scripted, but I still had the opportunity. And it felt uh.maz.inggg.

Then I rode the saddle back to it's hiding place as someone pushed me. And you're darn right I smiled the whole way back. Talk about liberating. I'll be doing this more often. {kaythnxbai}

In other news: I need to rant about a guilty pleasure. Dove Dark Chocolate Bars. Anyone with me? Please let me elaborate for a moment.

Open the package... the delish, rich scent of chocolate embraces every sense of smell. Why hello... it's been a little while since, well... you know... I gave in and let my {sweet tooth} guard down. Snap off a block and my knees weaken as it touches my taste buds. It melts... and I mean, melts. This little piece of heaven is like the Loubies of the chocolate world. Try one.

And thank you Dove for promoting it with 2-block {compared to 5 blocks} sample size portions. I owe ya one.

What's your simplest, yet guiltiest pleasure girls?

ps. we're having a major fashion crisis. more to come tomorrow. i need your help. stay tuned.