summer

It's been an interesting summer. Full of fun memories, time spent with family and friends and change. Lots and lots of change. New job, new apartment, new roommate, new city, new friends, new norms. Did I mention that I don't deal with change very well?

I've got lots of pictures to share with you from this summer. For now, let's just take it one day at a time as I ease back into the blog world and find new inspiration to write.

I love you all.

xoxo, E

yesterday, today, tomorrow --->

 Pretty much sums up my life right now. 

Thinking and planning for the future. 

Making big-girl decisions. 

I need to take a blog break until Sunday/Monday, dear readers. School and design work cannot be put off any longer. Be looking for another quinoa recipe this weekend!

falling in love...

Today marks the day that 2 years ago, I naively said yes to a man who asked me to marry him. Little did I know then that I would be where I am today. That man is no longer in my life in any way and for that, I am so thankful.

His current life is irrelevant to mine; we are now two very different people living two very different lives. And who I was 2 years ago and who I am today, February 21, 2011 are two completely different women. I was once dangerously dependent, unable to make decisions without his input, naive and loved and respected that man more than I loved and respected myself. It was a tornado within a hurricane.

Every day is still a battle and every day I have to make decisions to continue to improve, to change, to grow... but who I am today is something to be proud of. With the exception of paying my own car insurance (my Dad helps me out because I'm in school), I am completely, 100% dependent on my income and my income alone. I pay my own insurance, my own bills and am working hard to reduce  debt. I'm a part time Master's student and full-time employee. I make big-girl decisions daily that will directly impact my future and most importantly, I am learning to fall in love with myself.

That is why I have decided {after much hesitation} to purchase this pendant from Ritzy Misfit's Etsy store. Because it's more than just a pendant, it's a symbol of who I am. The artist explains what I am trying to explain perfectly: "No one is perfect, but we are all beautiful. These pendants give the feeling of being beautiful, unique and rough around the edges at the same time. My work reflects the wonderful, flawed idiosyncrasies in us all... and it makes us all breath-taking."

 

 In an "E" of course :)

This is a treat for me... for getting where I am today and committing to becoming even more in the future. It's a reminder to learn to fall more in love with "me" everyday... character flaws and all.

I would love to hear if you own a piece of jewelry that shares a story!

share it in a comment!

ps. many emails and a few comments this weekend about sharing recipes and my secrets... first, THANK YOU for the encouragement. Second, recipes and secrets of staying on track coming this week!

pps. quoteable monday still coming today!

attitude really IS everything

I'm about 5 days into my sugar/white flour detox and guess what? I feel better than I ever have before. No joke. 

I can't really identify why I am so pumped about this new lifestyle of eating healthy and "green" {not organic, haven't jumped on that bandwagon yet}, but one thing I have really been focusing on this week is that it truly is all about your attitude.

There are plenty of things that I have eliminated from my diet this week: goldfish, chocolate, red wine {for about another week at least} and mac and cheese {all favorite foods here, people}. 

BUT... there are also plenty of things that I have introduced myself to this week: protein packed green smoothies, Greek yogurt with honey, quinoa, pita chips and hummus. All week long I have had the chance to try new foods and new recipes, all packed with delicious and wholesome ingredients. How fun is that?!

Another thing that this change has brought back is my love for cooking. I stopped cooking about 2 years ago because I had a mentality that cooking for myself wasn't going to be fun. Hot dang, was I ever wrong... I love cooking for myself! I don't have to worry about pleasing others' taste buds or having dinner ready at a particular time... I simply fix what I want when I want. 

What I'm trying to say is this: I could be complaining that I've given up goldfish, peanut butter M&Ms, red wine {heaven help me, one more week} and cooking a scrumptious dinner for two at my apartment, but I know that continuously thinking about the things that I cannot have will lead me down a road of misery and failure. Instead... it's all about a change in attitude towards the things that I can have, which right now include wholesome and truly delicious foods like veggies, fruits and whole grains... and yeah, even a little dark chocolate here and there. :)

My energy level has soared through the roof this week {no really, ask my coworkers} and I feel my confidence  gaining strength with each day that goes by... a true change I am welcoming with open arms. 

{just a friendly reminder}

I am so thankful for you, dear readers. You keep me going. 

Happy Weekend!!!

#wah #immawimpygirl

My brain and body have literally not stopped for about 3 weeks straight now.

No, but really...

*If it's not some underlying issue with my car, it's the internet/cable (and thus cell phone since the connection is powered through my internet when I'm at home) being down for an entire week (all my love to the winners at Comcast)

*If it's not the sp*ders that I killed last week that have been lingering in my bedroom window giving me nightmares for 7+ months, it's the mouse that is now leaving poo trails behind in my bathroom (insert #wah #immawimpygirl here)

*It's catching up on job applications but falling overwhelmingly behind on my homework 

I have NO idea how some people do it all... seriously. However, dear readers... here are 4 things to which I am desperately thankful for tonight: 

1. IT'S THE WEEKEND (enough said!)

2. although it was insanely inconvenient trying to diagnose the issues with my car, it has all been affordable and I've managed to NOT have to put a dime on my credit card

3. Advocare's Spark energy drink (bounce off the walls much?!) I believe I am becoming a believer...

4. Elizabeth Hanlin and the handful of "real" girls that I have been in contact with who have inspired, motivated and kept me going with my recent life-style change. I could never thank you enough.

I hope your Valentine's week was just as lovely as you, dear readers! xo

Day 1

I have lovely news for you today, dear readers!

I have FINALLY been able to lock down a personal trainer. Meet Elizabeth Hanlin, my personal trainer who lives 3,000 miles away. 

I first "met" Liz when I found her fashion blog a little over a year ago. I instantly fell in love with her- she was transparent about her feelings, wasn't afraid to show emotion about real-life-girl-world situations and blogged about the prettiest shoes and clothes ever.

If you remember, my mom gave me personal trainer sessions to me for my birthday in December, leaving me with the simple task of finding a trainer of my preference. It hasn't been easy- school and work have been absolutely kicking my tail this semester, not leaving much time to devote to finding a trainer and gym. Somewhere along the lines, I stumbled across Liz's new site, "It's not just about being skinny" and knew she was the one.

Some of you are probably skeptical- a trainer that is 3,000 miles away? Yeah... that's motivational and a game plan to fail since she won't be there at the gym with you. I suppose it would be pretty easy to "cheat" and say that I ran 3 miles when I only ran 1... or that I did 300,000 sit ups when I only did 10. There could be a day where I tell her false information about when I ran or what I consumed that day. But guess what? Where would that get me? Definitely not back into my "skinny jeans," that's for sure.

This is something that I want, both for myself and for my future health.  Like Liz says though, it's not just about being skinny... it's about changing my life and maintaining health. This is something that I am determined to accomplish... I want my skinny jeans and pretty Ann Taylor clothes back in my life. and I want my confidence back. I don't want to hide behind loose clothes anymore... or pass a skinny girl and wish that I was that size again. Will my skinny jeans alone bring that confidence back?  Not entirely.... Will it be a quick, easy journey... probably not at all. But I know that this is something I need to work at, much more than what I am doing right now.

Greg and Jill's wedding is coming up in June. This is the perfect even to plan to wear a figure-forming, killer little black dress and a confident attitude to match. When I asked Liz how realistic this goal was, her response was, "absolutely realistic. you're going to look insanely different by then my lady." I literally smiled at my desk today when I read this.

I will be posting pictures and writing as necessary. I'm not going to promise weekly posts of my progress... my schedule is entirely too busy for that. But I will promise pictures and I will promise progress. It's about dang time to get this under control.

letting go

for as much as she stumbled, she's running

for as much as she runs, she still here

always hoping to find something quicker than heaven

to make the damage of her days disappear. 

{eli band young}

{via: we heart it}

I cannot control other people. I cannot control how they treat me, what they say or what they do to me. But I can focus on moving forward, on finding strength and finding independence.  I can focus on believing and loving and caring deeply again with gentle love and respect. I can focus on those who love, care and respect me for who I am now. I can believe that my tender, feminine heart will be healed and that no one, no man or woman will ever be able to satisfy or comfort my heart until I learn to truly love myself for who I am.

This week, I am focusing on letting go. 

In my mind and in my heart. 

Just letting go... 

solve your own problems

This Spring is quite possibly going to be the death of my soul... or social life... which can be considered one in the same sometimes. :)

I AM:

1. taking a Math course (HATE MATH, see note above) and Grad level Communications class (which I LOVE!)...

2. Working 40+ hours a week...

3. Working freelance as a designer for weddings as well as polishing my skills on blog designs...

4. Job searching with hopes of relocating relatively soon...

5. setting goals for this week: join a gym. That's the one thing I am REALLY hoping to get crossed off my to-do list (which happens to be this long: <---------->). If I get this crossed off, I will be a happy, happy girl.

Wish me luck this week!

cha cha cha chaaaaanges

Note: 

I hate change. 

Almost as much as I hate goodbyes. 

No matter what I do to my hair... I always revert back to my "classic"... long, blonde hair. Then sometimes... when I really feel like a fun little change (and have time)... I roll it with hot rollers for kicks and giggles. But don't get excited too quickly, it happens maybe once a month.

Second note: I also have "hair anxiety." You know... when you're afraid to get your hair cut because you're afraid they're going to jank it all up {yes, I just said jank}. Well this, dear readers... is the reason why *I* have hair anxiety...

I have psyched myself up for almost 3 weeks about going to get my hair trimmed. Then I finally went. I was so tense, my stylist could tell, so she told me to "relax." So I closed my eyes. And then I opened my eyes and my hair was gone. As in... it was on the floor, no longer attached to my head.

BEFORE:

{I posted this picture a few weeks ago, but it's a good shot of my long hair}

AFTER:

{yes, this was taken at my work desk. 

Yes, those are pink Christmas lights up in the background... 

but hey, I'm there for 8+ hours every day, so why not make it pretty?}

I feel like I look like I am 5 years old. This is not ok. 

ps. on a good note, my brother is the best. He is the one who got this picture first via email. And then proceeded to tell me everything I could possibly want to hear and more. I am so lucky :)

kind of a bad day

I've been cranky pants all day today. Sad and upset for no particular reason, really. Do you ever have days like that? Probably girls more so that guys... still an unexplainable and unavoidable calamity regardless.

Do you ever find it incredibly difficult to keep your head above water? I knew today was going to be a rough day from the moment I rolled out of bed at 6am. My heart was heavy during my normal morning routine and even heavier by the time I sat down in front of my work computer 2 hours later. 110% of me did not want to face today. I knew it was going to be a day where I yearned to just crawl back in bed and sleep until the next morning. It's an escape really, from reality... from emotion... from feeling... from my mind being my worst enemy.

The fact is- my mind is my worst enemy. I blame myself for everything... for every little failure in life that I have faced thus far- broken relationships and friendships mainly, I rationalize a reason to put all the blame on myself. It's a brutal mental fight that takes place in my mind daily... and quite frankly, I'm so weary of dealing with it.

I trust too easily, but you know what? I'll  still pick myself back up and face the world again... all with the grace of a woman... never the grief of a child. And once again... everything will prove to be ok. Everything always proves to be ok.

I'm not usually this vulnerable or this emotional on my blog. I like to keep it a happy place... but today... today is different. Today, I needed to write.

dreams

I'm dreaming of buying my own townhome/small house... 

I day dream about it every.single.day.

I dream about the rooms and how I would decorate them and what each room would be used for. 

This would be the inspiration for my office-slash-closet {yes, I said and mean closet}. Pink, cream, flowers and lots of light pouring through the windows. And lots of books... lots and lots of books. 

I dream about doing renovations with my Daddy. And calling my Mom to come spend the day and shop. I dream of having a puppy at home and hosting friends for game nights. I dream of grabbing a huge cup of coffee and my books and crawling back into bed on Saturday mornings and playing in my office {slash closet} all day on Sunday.

This dream will come true. And I'm going to do it by myself. So I can have my pink office. It will be my office and my house. This dream is not out of my reach. It simply means I have to be more persistent career wise and make wise financial decisions. Never a better time to learn than now.

What do you dream of?

Contentment, Pt 2

I had an entire post written out about contentment, pt 2. I was putting the finishing touches on it.

Then I found this sticky note on my computer from my sister from a year ago:

Dear SIssy,

I know one day you are going to want to clear this account. I know it is going to be really really hard for you. I just want you to know how much i love and care for you. You are one of the most amazinng people i know.

Please never forget that or let anyone make you think differently.

Love,

Ana

And then I bawled.

I was using my "old account", the account I used for all my wedding planning on my computer tonight because the internet wouldn't connect on my normal account. I've been slowly deleting pictures, files, documents from this account...

I love my Sister. I cannot begin to tell you how much she got me through the worst time of my life to date. She loved me the way a little sister loves her big sister. She slept with me to keep me company. She dragged me out of the house to go for a ride. She listened to me and watched me cry daily. For months.

I miss her dearly. I need to be physically close to her again...

{circa 2008}

I can't stop crying. I think I'll keep this on my computer for a while.

Contentment, Part One

Lately I have been learning contentment, mainly in three ways.

The first is contentment with where I am geographically.

I currently live in Central Virginia and am not a fan. Most of all, I miss my family. I miss my dear friends. I miss the city lights that were a mere hour drive away. I miss bike rides with my Mom and I miss my dog.

Back in March, I decided to move to Virginia because of an incredible job opportunity and while I am not a fan of my location, I am trying to learn contentment. I am here for a reason: the known reason is because of work. I was offered a job at a University that pays for my education. It was a hard decision to move away from my family and friends, but with the support and encouragement from those who know me best, I decided it would be foolish to give up such an opportunity. I also knew, deep down, that if I didn't take full advantage of this opportunity, I would regret it in 10 years.

At the time of the move, I was living in the "here and now." I wasn't actively thinking about the future. The move and this job has encouraged me to not only think of the future, but prepare for the future now.

Here are some of my goals:

1. Begin chipping away at my Masters degree. My job will pay for 6 classes a year. It will take me 2 years to finish my degree, if I decide to stay at my current job.

2. In the Spring, I will begin looking for another job- ideally at another university in the DC, Philly or Wilmington area. This will put me a mere 1-2 hour drive from my family.

3. While I'm waiting to begin applying for a new job, I will take full advantage of the learning experience I have been given now. I will work hard and develop my professional skills. There is no better time than now for hands on experience. I have been blessed with an incredible boss who previously worked for Coca-Cola. From day 1, he has offered coaching for his employees; he coaches and pushes them into fields that encourage professional development. You really can't ask for a better boss.

4. I plan to take advantage of where I live now. It's not ideal, but I'm here... and will be here for at least 6-ish more months. Instead of escaping every weekend, my roommate and I have been enjoying getting to know our area... researching culture-rich festivals and activities. The Fall is a perfect time for this, which will carry right over to Holiday parties and festivities. Before I know it, it'll be time to start job searching... and perhaps one day I'll miss this town and this time in my life. Why not make the most of it while I'm here now?

I have 2 more areas that I'm learning to be content:

1. my body and body image

2. love

I'll be writing about BOTH of these in future posts.

For tonight, I'll leave you with an Audrey quote to ponder:

{A quality education has the power to transform societies in a single generation, provide children with the protection they need from the hazards of poverty, labor exploitation and disease, and given them the knowledge, skills and confidence to reach their full potential} AH

I don't have a clever title for this one

I won't lie or beat around the bush about tonight's post.

I've been sad all day.

A kind of sadness though, where I'm ok- complete, 100% ok.
Still, I'm sad. heavy. emotional.

One year ago today, my life changed and was never going to return to the normal that I knew. A year ago today, I was in a ball in the kitchen floor as my mother sat next to me, handing me tissue after tissue, watching her daughter face the deepest pain she had ever known. A year ago today, the person I had trusted, love more than life itself and innocently given my entire heart to shattered the world as I knew it.

Today has stirred up more emotions that I care to allow, but I'm also completely at peace with it. It's a step in healing; it's grieving and most importantly, it's a step in moving forward. I've had to close my eyes several times today as I choked back years; it was during these moments that I came to the understanding and peace that it's ok that I'm grieving today, it's ok that tears are stinging my eyes.

I have a feeling that these coming weeks will be an emotional roller-coaster. I'll have my ups and downs; my days where I'm on top of the world and other days where I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and read my favorite novel in an attempt to escape the present emotion and slip into a world where I can easily predict the entire ending chapter.

I am determined of several things this month:

1. I will exercise to fight even the slightest hints of depression
2. I will {finally} finish "my story" that I haven't had the courage to finish for fear of facing the emotion that would accompany my writing
3. I will go through this process, I will grieve and I will cry, but I won't let this be a road block to the promising future I hold.

This part of my life is and always will be a part of my past. I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and and I'm definitely not embarrassed to write about it anymore. Everyone deals with grief differently. So, let this be your warning: if anyone dares tell me this is something I shouldn't be writing about or should have "let go" long ago, then I suggest you read something else. I will cut you.


With a few boxes of Kleenex and a few longs calls home, I'll make it through this. I'll be a stronger person with a brighter future. It helps that I have the most amazing support group known to mankind.

Trust: no one can fix your trust issues but yourself

I’m sitting here tonight, writing through tear stained eyes.

I’ve been enjoying a good glass of red wine on my porch tonight, {yummm! Liz, come join me!} intimidated by taking some time alone for myself {but still comforted in the fact that my roommate is just on the other side of that sliding glass door}.

It’s been such a mixed up week. One hour, I was happy as a little cucumber, the next- my heart was heavy and I was desperate to rip it out so I wouldn’t feel anymore.

Then it hit me tonight: how/when did I ever get to where I am in life right now? Scared to death to spend time alone, without the company of any other person- by myself, with my own thoughts. So afraid to trust anyone for fear that whomever I trust with my emotions, they will turn around and betray that trust that is given to so few.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days. People hurt people, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally in an effort to protect themselves. People are people though and sometimes things don’t work out the way you pictured them to. Sometimes people end up hurt. It’s never simple, never easy, never ever a clean break. And it’s very rare that we can fix things that go awry. We end up pushing people away, all as part as effort to restore peace.

That’s where we, as individuals have to pick up- move forward. Offer peace, and if it’s not accepted, move forward. It’s not fun to hurt, it’s not fun to have your anxiety shoot through the roof to the point where you’re literally shaking, afraid to think about the next hour and the potential emotions, pain and hurt that it might bring. It's not near as much fun drinking a glass of wine by yourself, and it's not fun waking up each morning wishing you didn't have to face the day.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past 8 months, you have to move forward. Move forward from hurt and do whatever it takes to not hold onto it. Moving forward will bring peace over time. You gain perspective. Holding onto hurt is only breeding ground for bitterness. And bitterness brings misery only for the person who is bitter- no one else.

As my Aunt would say, this is when you put on your red high heels {and pearls, as a reminder to stay classy} and face the world with a bright face.

When I’m ready to trust someone, allow myself to be vulnerable with someone again, that person will be provided in my life. I'm not saying they will magically fix my trust issues, no one will fix my trust issues and the 10 foot walls that I put up but myself. It's a personal issue that I will work through, and will overcome with time. But I do know that they will have patience with me when I'm PMSing, and they will be patient with me as I work through these personal issues. They won’t toss around my emotions and heart like a hacky-sak. They will protect it and cherish it and respect me with up-most importance, because that's what I deserve. I won’t have to chase after them. Peace will fill my heart. And everything will be ok... it always is...

I’m so happy to be writing again. It’s such an emotional outlet.

And hey, Queen Bee Swain, I’m finally reading “Someday My Prince Will Come, and ohmygosh, I’m obsessed! It's not a typical, "wait for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet in your white horse" kind of book- just read the first chapter on Amazon and I know you'll be just as obsessed as I am! I spent most of my Sunday morning in bed reading!

My next book: I can’t wait to order this online!

I apologize for being so MIA lately.

Life.
'Nuff said? I'm sure you can relate...

It's a very hard month for me, and I have been doing everything and anything I can do to stay as busy and happy as possible.

This time six months ago, my world as I knew it was completely turned upside down. For the last six months, I have been giving it my all to climb back on my horse...

And three nights ago, was thrown off again. News that I have been fearing to learn for the last six months finally got around to me.

I hate not having control, not being able to fix this lingering situation...
knowing that it will never be fixed, and the only thing I can do is move on.

Big changes in life are getting ready to take place. I landed a job at a school who's benefits include free tuition for grad school. I'm pretty excited about the opportunity, and to be able to take pride in saying, "I never thought I would, but yes- I went back for Grad School. For me. Because I wanted to and because I'm smart enough to."

Cons: I'm moving back to the city where 5 years of sweet memories were made. Back to old friends who will question what happened. Back to the city that I once associated with him, with our home. I'm doing this for me- to conquer this. To be independent again. To become a stronger woman...

Stick with me the next few weeks- it's going to be crazy hectic wrapping things up around here. Saying goodbye to the incredible friends that I've made here. Goodbye to my family and my security here. And hello to a new world of independence...

Another chapter in my story coming tonight or tomorrow.

pretty pink peonies makes me excited for spring.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Anais Nin

{thank you kHm for quotable monday}

Taken from my girl, Sprinkles.

Possible new adventures in my very, very near future.
I'll keep you updated.

Prayers appreciated.