letting go

for as much as she stumbled, she's running

for as much as she runs, she still here

always hoping to find something quicker than heaven

to make the damage of her days disappear. 

{eli band young}

{via: we heart it}

I cannot control other people. I cannot control how they treat me, what they say or what they do to me. But I can focus on moving forward, on finding strength and finding independence.  I can focus on believing and loving and caring deeply again with gentle love and respect. I can focus on those who love, care and respect me for who I am now. I can believe that my tender, feminine heart will be healed and that no one, no man or woman will ever be able to satisfy or comfort my heart until I learn to truly love myself for who I am.

This week, I am focusing on letting go. 

In my mind and in my heart. 

Just letting go... 

kind of a bad day

I've been cranky pants all day today. Sad and upset for no particular reason, really. Do you ever have days like that? Probably girls more so that guys... still an unexplainable and unavoidable calamity regardless.

Do you ever find it incredibly difficult to keep your head above water? I knew today was going to be a rough day from the moment I rolled out of bed at 6am. My heart was heavy during my normal morning routine and even heavier by the time I sat down in front of my work computer 2 hours later. 110% of me did not want to face today. I knew it was going to be a day where I yearned to just crawl back in bed and sleep until the next morning. It's an escape really, from reality... from emotion... from feeling... from my mind being my worst enemy.

The fact is- my mind is my worst enemy. I blame myself for everything... for every little failure in life that I have faced thus far- broken relationships and friendships mainly, I rationalize a reason to put all the blame on myself. It's a brutal mental fight that takes place in my mind daily... and quite frankly, I'm so weary of dealing with it.

I trust too easily, but you know what? I'll  still pick myself back up and face the world again... all with the grace of a woman... never the grief of a child. And once again... everything will prove to be ok. Everything always proves to be ok.

I'm not usually this vulnerable or this emotional on my blog. I like to keep it a happy place... but today... today is different. Today, I needed to write.

with the grace of a woman

After a while, you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

And after a while, you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye, you learn.

{Shoffstall}

What have you learned?

Trust: no one can fix your trust issues but yourself

I’m sitting here tonight, writing through tear stained eyes.

I’ve been enjoying a good glass of red wine on my porch tonight, {yummm! Liz, come join me!} intimidated by taking some time alone for myself {but still comforted in the fact that my roommate is just on the other side of that sliding glass door}.

It’s been such a mixed up week. One hour, I was happy as a little cucumber, the next- my heart was heavy and I was desperate to rip it out so I wouldn’t feel anymore.

Then it hit me tonight: how/when did I ever get to where I am in life right now? Scared to death to spend time alone, without the company of any other person- by myself, with my own thoughts. So afraid to trust anyone for fear that whomever I trust with my emotions, they will turn around and betray that trust that is given to so few.

I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days. People hurt people, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally in an effort to protect themselves. People are people though and sometimes things don’t work out the way you pictured them to. Sometimes people end up hurt. It’s never simple, never easy, never ever a clean break. And it’s very rare that we can fix things that go awry. We end up pushing people away, all as part as effort to restore peace.

That’s where we, as individuals have to pick up- move forward. Offer peace, and if it’s not accepted, move forward. It’s not fun to hurt, it’s not fun to have your anxiety shoot through the roof to the point where you’re literally shaking, afraid to think about the next hour and the potential emotions, pain and hurt that it might bring. It's not near as much fun drinking a glass of wine by yourself, and it's not fun waking up each morning wishing you didn't have to face the day.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned over the past 8 months, you have to move forward. Move forward from hurt and do whatever it takes to not hold onto it. Moving forward will bring peace over time. You gain perspective. Holding onto hurt is only breeding ground for bitterness. And bitterness brings misery only for the person who is bitter- no one else.

As my Aunt would say, this is when you put on your red high heels {and pearls, as a reminder to stay classy} and face the world with a bright face.

When I’m ready to trust someone, allow myself to be vulnerable with someone again, that person will be provided in my life. I'm not saying they will magically fix my trust issues, no one will fix my trust issues and the 10 foot walls that I put up but myself. It's a personal issue that I will work through, and will overcome with time. But I do know that they will have patience with me when I'm PMSing, and they will be patient with me as I work through these personal issues. They won’t toss around my emotions and heart like a hacky-sak. They will protect it and cherish it and respect me with up-most importance, because that's what I deserve. I won’t have to chase after them. Peace will fill my heart. And everything will be ok... it always is...

I’m so happy to be writing again. It’s such an emotional outlet.

And hey, Queen Bee Swain, I’m finally reading “Someday My Prince Will Come, and ohmygosh, I’m obsessed! It's not a typical, "wait for prince charming to come sweep you off your feet in your white horse" kind of book- just read the first chapter on Amazon and I know you'll be just as obsessed as I am! I spent most of my Sunday morning in bed reading!

My next book: I can’t wait to order this online!

*le sigh*

Have you ever come to a major crossroad in your life?

A time in your life where you've had to make a big decision and no matter how many logical choices you have in front of you- you're just not sure which path to take? Am I the only one who is so indecisive that the second I mentally confirm my decision, I question whether or not it's the right one, which sends me into more questioning and contemplating?

A thousand different people have given me their two cents {half of them I'd probably just rather them give me 2 pennies} on what they think the best decision is... some opinions have been welcomed, other have not. Go with your gut feeling, think about the future, think about your future, do what makes you happy, pray about it...

I honestly have no instinct either way... am I that numb to emotions these days?

Part of it makes me think that I am just so scared to death to break free of my safety net... my comfort zone... I have my family here, my friends, a job that doesn't pay the greatest- but I still love it... how long am I going to stay stagnant in this safety zone?

How long am I going to completely avoid anything that has to do with commitment?

I am so confused... it's times like this that I wish the Staple's Easy Button really worked.
{{It's been a rough few days...}} encouragement welcomed.

*le sigh*

I apologize for being so MIA lately.

Life.
'Nuff said? I'm sure you can relate...

It's a very hard month for me, and I have been doing everything and anything I can do to stay as busy and happy as possible.

This time six months ago, my world as I knew it was completely turned upside down. For the last six months, I have been giving it my all to climb back on my horse...

And three nights ago, was thrown off again. News that I have been fearing to learn for the last six months finally got around to me.

I hate not having control, not being able to fix this lingering situation...
knowing that it will never be fixed, and the only thing I can do is move on.

Big changes in life are getting ready to take place. I landed a job at a school who's benefits include free tuition for grad school. I'm pretty excited about the opportunity, and to be able to take pride in saying, "I never thought I would, but yes- I went back for Grad School. For me. Because I wanted to and because I'm smart enough to."

Cons: I'm moving back to the city where 5 years of sweet memories were made. Back to old friends who will question what happened. Back to the city that I once associated with him, with our home. I'm doing this for me- to conquer this. To be independent again. To become a stronger woman...

Stick with me the next few weeks- it's going to be crazy hectic wrapping things up around here. Saying goodbye to the incredible friends that I've made here. Goodbye to my family and my security here. And hello to a new world of independence...

Another chapter in my story coming tonight or tomorrow.

Snow Days

Today we had a snow day.

Work was closed.

And we were snowed in completely.

So, what better day to dress up and take some pictures?

Thanks to my awesome Mom photographer...

We had a last minute photo sesh outside

{while it was still snowing and of course, in heels}

Sister in Blue

Me in Pink

To see more, click here.

Other news:

I've decided to write. In a series of stories, kind of like a book... I'm going to write my story... right here, right on this very blog. It won't be readily accessible all at once, and probably won't be written over a week or two. Every post won't be about it, and it might be a few weeks in between posts about the story.

I'm not writing because I'm bitter.

Or because I want him to somehow, someway discover this blog,

read it and rethink his decision.

I'm writing because it's therapeutic for me and also, one day... I'd like to help someone else out. I want to be strong for someone because of the women that were strong for me. I also want you along for my whole ride... to cry with me, to laugh with me, to encourage each other. I want you there, because your love and support and the emails that I get encourage me like you wouldn’t believe.

Tonight with my Mom and Sister,

we watched Julie & Julia...

the cute movie about blogging and cooking.

It brought back a lot of memories. I used to cook alot. And I blogged alot. And the relationship between Julie {the girl who kept the blog about Julia Child} reminded me a lot of us.

Instead of saying that I wish life was more like the movies, I’m going to erase those thoughts and remember that my life is the movies... it’s just taking longer than 2 hours to see the ending.

It will be perfect in the end, and the experiences that I’m facing now will make me a stronger woman for my husband, my children and my friends.

I believe that with my whole heart.

I fried an egg this morning. It’s the first time I’ve cooked breakfast since August. I used to cook breakfast for him on the mornings he had off. One time, I even cooked him breakfast and served it to him while he was playing video games. But enough about that... the point I’m trying to make is that I’m taking {baby} steps to get back to my normal self. I’m not avoiding things anymore because it reminds me of him.

It was delish.

All 70 calories seasoned to perfection with salt and freshly cracked pepper.

Did you get any snow??

Frustration

So please excuse my somewhat down in the dumps post... but I need to write.
You don't have to read if you prefer not to. I won't be offended, promise.

I’m not going to lie or try to hide it... I’m having a really hard time this year. Why is it always “the firsts” that are the hardest to get through, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays?

It’s going to be a hard one this year, I know it is. I made myself numb to Thanksgiving… like it almost didn’t exist. I just spent the entire day forcing myself to think of things to be so thankful for...

my family
my new friends
my job
the opportunities I've been given since August.

That helped. But it also creeped through my mind what should have happened.

We made plans in June to spend Thanksgiving putting up the Christmas tree and decorating our apartment. He couldn’t leave town because of work, so we were going to cook and be festive just the two of us… make the most of the situation of not being with our families for the first time on our first big holiday being married.

This morning I woke up to Christmas music. And tears stinging my eyes. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself numb to this upcoming holiday… not to mention I shouldn’t. Nothing about Christmas is about me. I have it made compared to others… I have a family to spend it with. I have a job. And I’ll be getting presents on both my birthday and Christmas morning. I have an education and amazing friends. But it still hurts, it still stings... like washing your hands with steaming hot water when they are freezing cold.

Modern civilazation, I’d say since WWII has commercialized Christmas… we’ve somehow managed to intertwine Christmas with loving that special someone else, being warm and cuddly and romance.

Why?

It’s hard this year. For the first time in my life, I ignore Christmas lights when I drive by them. I ignore the Christmas music played at work. I’m not super excited about any holiday parties like I have been in the past. I don’t want to be numb to this holiday because it’s not even about me. But how do I put on a smile when I’m dreading the kind of Christmas that the world celebrates… the kind of Christmas that celebrates love and romance and being with a special someone?

After having several days (maybe weeks? I lose track of time) of keeping my tears down, they have been stinging my eyes for a few days now… sometimes they choke me. I hate the dumb Kay commercials… and is it me or are they overkill more so than last year?

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who have been in a similar situation as myself. I was in the bathroom at The Cultured Pearl, {TDF sushi at the beach} and I saw someone who I hadn’t seen in a long time who got wind that I was getting married. She asked how married life was {really? look for my ring, idiot}. I simply just told her that "life is taking me on other roads… err… it’s a long story” and left it at that, which is mostly what I say now. A lady in the bathroom piped up and said, “we all have those stories honey, don’t worry. And be glad it happened now than later.”

1. I hate that she said “we all have those stories”; not because I think my situation is worse than hers or yours, but because I hate that there is so much pain and heartbreak in the world. I mean, I know how much pain I’ve been through this year because of numerous things that have happened… and I hate thinking about anyone else enduring pain like that or pain that is much worse.
2. I just hate it in general when people say be glad it happened now than later. And
3. I hate that I thought I was lucky enough to not have to endure the amount of heartbreak that so many women experience these days… I thought I was being “rewarded” for not being stupid with my emotions and not settling for anything less than what I wanted.

I hate that words have become simply things that people say. Nothing more, nothing less.
And is it really true that every cloud has a silver lining?

Happy post about NY coming tomorrow. I needed to write today though. I had an absolute b.l.a.s.t. and am already planning another trip in the Spring… or maybe, one day… moving there.

Happy Hump Day, lovers.
And I do apologize for my lack of posts/comments.
I'll be back tomorrow.
☺

Random Latenight Ramblings... and then some. ;)

BUSY. That's my life in one word. Ok, so maybe it's not as much physically being busy, but mentally- I have been slammed. FTR though, I have been busy with work too. As in, almost every.single.night. I love it.

Today was a hard day.
The kind of day where you hesitate getting out of bed.
Memories.

They creep in just when I least expect it and when they shouldn't. I've learned to deal with the memories that graze through my mind when they are expected- a certain sports game comes on at work that he adored {and I still personally love the game}, a certain video game is mentioned by the boys at work {still don't get that stupid game}, a certain city is brought up where ten thousand memories were made, friends are planning their weddings and I imagine that a ton of friends are about to get engaged now that Christmas is just around the corner. {36 days, WHAT} I've learned to filter through these memories. They enter my mind and I've learned to force them out just as quickly as they ruthlessly barge in.

But then sometimes it slams me like a 2 year old running into a glass door. I still on occasion have a minor panic attack when I go to play with my ring and it's not there... my heart pounds thinking where I may have left it. Or I think darn, I forgot my ring when I'm in the car on my way to...anywhere. I still think about texting him to see what he thinks sounds good for dinner. I see something ornate and I think to myself, this would look great in the apartment... until I remember I don't live there anymore. There are moments when I still think it's this time last year- long distance. If I can just get through these next few days, everything will be normal again. I get giddy for a moment... and then remember reality.

Cold, hard, spit-in-your-face reality.

I just have this nagging feeling. And it's frustrating trying to determine if it's just me being a girl or if it's my Greater speaking to me.

I was at work tonight and a woman, probably about 10 years my elder was a guest at one of my tables. She was classy: she questioned the wines we offered, requesting the expensive glass, never a hint of snobbish attitude. She was dressed in a modestly classy way, not flashing designer logos but it was clear that her sweater probably didn't come off the sale rack at Target. She ordered a decent size filet mignon and healthy sides in comparison to 'mashed taters n gravy.
I watched her during her entire stay with her friends- she laughed and had the most expressive and genuine smile about her that made it seem as if she was glowing. She listened intently during conversation and whenever I approached the table, it was almost as if she wanted me to pull up a chair and join them. -she was that interested in me-

This was what was different about this woman though:

she had no right leg or right arm.

She sat in a power chair, the kind that we think to be reserved for a nursing home. Her friend had to cut her steak up for her like a mother would to her 2 year old. She needed assistance accomplishing even the smallest of tasks, like holding the paper so she could sign her credit card slip.

She won't go running tomorrow like I will.
She won't put on that fabulous pair of killer stilettos and
go dancing with her girlfriends this weekend.
She probably won't even be able to get into her own car without
some kind of assistance.

As I was cleaning the table after they left, I wondered to myself if she was secretly jealous of me. Here I am, in the middle of a pity party because I think my life is in shambles. Unlike her though, things will get better for me. I have another chance, and the only chance she has to ever have 4 limbs again includes physically painful surgeries and therapy and even then- it's not the real thing. I wondered if she was secretly jealous of me- secretly jealous that I am now able to go buy a pair of fabulous new shoes thanks to the uh.mazing tip she left me... jealous that I can drive a stick shift with both feet, jealous when she saw me skip into the kitchen or even jealous of the simple fact that i was able to walk {not ride} to the table. This lady put things into perspective for me tonight. While it's ok to talk/write about my feelings, I do need to remember perspective. For the rest of her life, this woman will walk around with physical scars from whatever happened to her. every.single.day she wakes up to a constant reminder of her physical disability. But yet this woman looked like the happiest woman I have ever seen in my life. I am so thankful for this woman, who out of 50+ tables... was placed in my 2 table section. Funny how God works things out like that.

In other news:
I'm taking myself shopping on Friday night.
Follow my twitter for some outfit pics!

Those outlets have been calling my name for the last few weeks, begging me to just drop by for a drink or two... you know, a chit-chat catch up sesh on what's new.

In the mean time,
check out Sprinkle's new'do.
Show her some love and beg her to come back to the blogging world.

Also check out Pearls and Curls- new follow? YES PLEASE!! She's new to the blogging world, so show her some looooove!!

The Guiltiest of Pleasures

First and foremost, I need to take time to thank all the veterans who have served our country so we can have freedom. To the ones with us still and the ones who have sacrificed their own lives, thank you. Although we Americans many times take what you do for this country for granted, your service and patriotism does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

{I'm also the proud sister of a retired Air Force Senior Airman}
-me n' bubs-

Up next: I had the most fun opportunity tonight... an opportunity that I didn't even know I was craving, but when it happened, man oh man- I gained some sort of satisfaction that gave me a little extra pep in my step.

You see, while I'm trying to figure out my next step in life, where I'm going from here- I'm working as a server at an area chain restaurant. Not really the job I visioned I would land after college, but hey- I also didn't see the economy/job market crashing upon completion of my undergrad. Regardless- it's what I do. Respect the waitress.

{And tip me 20%, your tip is my paycheck.}

At this particular restaurant though, we have a birthday ritual. We think it's hil.ar.i.ous to make the biggest scene possible about gaining another candle on that birthday cake, whether you're turning 8 or 98. And by making a scene, I mean a gang of us clap obnoxiously from the kitchen to your table, then make you saddle up on a mobile saddle and twirl a white napkin around your head as the entire restaurant applauds and screams "yee-haw."

Now usually, I wimp out as far as the yelling goes. I get someone else to do it, usually a guy because they are soooo much louder and more capable of doing this job. But for the first time tonight, I was the announcer. So, above the blaring music and table chatter of an over-packed restaurant {did I mention I got my arse served to me tonight?}, I got to scream at the top of my lungs: "attention {insert restaurant name here}... we have a very special guest in the building with us tonight. Over here is Kylie and she's celebrating her 8th birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaay." {applause} "On the count of three, let's help her celebrate by giving her a big, loud {restaurant name} 'yeeeeee-haw'"... or something like that.

{via google}

Now usually, I would have been soooo embarrassed to do something like this. I would have done it, but I would have hated every second of it.

Not tonight. Tonight, I loved it. I got to yell. Yell out my frustration and {some} of my anger. Yell because I wanted to and no one was going to shush me or tell me to control my voice or emotions. Now granted, my screaming rant was scripted, but I still had the opportunity. And it felt uh.maz.inggg.

Then I rode the saddle back to it's hiding place as someone pushed me. And you're darn right I smiled the whole way back. Talk about liberating. I'll be doing this more often. {kaythnxbai}

In other news: I need to rant about a guilty pleasure. Dove Dark Chocolate Bars. Anyone with me? Please let me elaborate for a moment.

Open the package... the delish, rich scent of chocolate embraces every sense of smell. Why hello... it's been a little while since, well... you know... I gave in and let my {sweet tooth} guard down. Snap off a block and my knees weaken as it touches my taste buds. It melts... and I mean, melts. This little piece of heaven is like the Loubies of the chocolate world. Try one.

And thank you Dove for promoting it with 2-block {compared to 5 blocks} sample size portions. I owe ya one.

What's your simplest, yet guiltiest pleasure girls?

ps. we're having a major fashion crisis. more to come tomorrow. i need your help. stay tuned.