#wah #immawimpygirl

My brain and body have literally not stopped for about 3 weeks straight now.

No, but really...

*If it's not some underlying issue with my car, it's the internet/cable (and thus cell phone since the connection is powered through my internet when I'm at home) being down for an entire week (all my love to the winners at Comcast)

*If it's not the sp*ders that I killed last week that have been lingering in my bedroom window giving me nightmares for 7+ months, it's the mouse that is now leaving poo trails behind in my bathroom (insert #wah #immawimpygirl here)

*It's catching up on job applications but falling overwhelmingly behind on my homework 

I have NO idea how some people do it all... seriously. However, dear readers... here are 4 things to which I am desperately thankful for tonight: 

1. IT'S THE WEEKEND (enough said!)

2. although it was insanely inconvenient trying to diagnose the issues with my car, it has all been affordable and I've managed to NOT have to put a dime on my credit card

3. Advocare's Spark energy drink (bounce off the walls much?!) I believe I am becoming a believer...

4. Elizabeth Hanlin and the handful of "real" girls that I have been in contact with who have inspired, motivated and kept me going with my recent life-style change. I could never thank you enough.

I hope your Valentine's week was just as lovely as you, dear readers! xo

kind of a bad day

I've been cranky pants all day today. Sad and upset for no particular reason, really. Do you ever have days like that? Probably girls more so that guys... still an unexplainable and unavoidable calamity regardless.

Do you ever find it incredibly difficult to keep your head above water? I knew today was going to be a rough day from the moment I rolled out of bed at 6am. My heart was heavy during my normal morning routine and even heavier by the time I sat down in front of my work computer 2 hours later. 110% of me did not want to face today. I knew it was going to be a day where I yearned to just crawl back in bed and sleep until the next morning. It's an escape really, from reality... from emotion... from feeling... from my mind being my worst enemy.

The fact is- my mind is my worst enemy. I blame myself for everything... for every little failure in life that I have faced thus far- broken relationships and friendships mainly, I rationalize a reason to put all the blame on myself. It's a brutal mental fight that takes place in my mind daily... and quite frankly, I'm so weary of dealing with it.

I trust too easily, but you know what? I'll  still pick myself back up and face the world again... all with the grace of a woman... never the grief of a child. And once again... everything will prove to be ok. Everything always proves to be ok.

I'm not usually this vulnerable or this emotional on my blog. I like to keep it a happy place... but today... today is different. Today, I needed to write.

Frustration

So please excuse my somewhat down in the dumps post... but I need to write.
You don't have to read if you prefer not to. I won't be offended, promise.

I’m not going to lie or try to hide it... I’m having a really hard time this year. Why is it always “the firsts” that are the hardest to get through, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays?

It’s going to be a hard one this year, I know it is. I made myself numb to Thanksgiving… like it almost didn’t exist. I just spent the entire day forcing myself to think of things to be so thankful for...

my family
my new friends
my job
the opportunities I've been given since August.

That helped. But it also creeped through my mind what should have happened.

We made plans in June to spend Thanksgiving putting up the Christmas tree and decorating our apartment. He couldn’t leave town because of work, so we were going to cook and be festive just the two of us… make the most of the situation of not being with our families for the first time on our first big holiday being married.

This morning I woke up to Christmas music. And tears stinging my eyes. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make myself numb to this upcoming holiday… not to mention I shouldn’t. Nothing about Christmas is about me. I have it made compared to others… I have a family to spend it with. I have a job. And I’ll be getting presents on both my birthday and Christmas morning. I have an education and amazing friends. But it still hurts, it still stings... like washing your hands with steaming hot water when they are freezing cold.

Modern civilazation, I’d say since WWII has commercialized Christmas… we’ve somehow managed to intertwine Christmas with loving that special someone else, being warm and cuddly and romance.

Why?

It’s hard this year. For the first time in my life, I ignore Christmas lights when I drive by them. I ignore the Christmas music played at work. I’m not super excited about any holiday parties like I have been in the past. I don’t want to be numb to this holiday because it’s not even about me. But how do I put on a smile when I’m dreading the kind of Christmas that the world celebrates… the kind of Christmas that celebrates love and romance and being with a special someone?

After having several days (maybe weeks? I lose track of time) of keeping my tears down, they have been stinging my eyes for a few days now… sometimes they choke me. I hate the dumb Kay commercials… and is it me or are they overkill more so than last year?

I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who have been in a similar situation as myself. I was in the bathroom at The Cultured Pearl, {TDF sushi at the beach} and I saw someone who I hadn’t seen in a long time who got wind that I was getting married. She asked how married life was {really? look for my ring, idiot}. I simply just told her that "life is taking me on other roads… err… it’s a long story” and left it at that, which is mostly what I say now. A lady in the bathroom piped up and said, “we all have those stories honey, don’t worry. And be glad it happened now than later.”

1. I hate that she said “we all have those stories”; not because I think my situation is worse than hers or yours, but because I hate that there is so much pain and heartbreak in the world. I mean, I know how much pain I’ve been through this year because of numerous things that have happened… and I hate thinking about anyone else enduring pain like that or pain that is much worse.
2. I just hate it in general when people say be glad it happened now than later. And
3. I hate that I thought I was lucky enough to not have to endure the amount of heartbreak that so many women experience these days… I thought I was being “rewarded” for not being stupid with my emotions and not settling for anything less than what I wanted.

I hate that words have become simply things that people say. Nothing more, nothing less.
And is it really true that every cloud has a silver lining?

Happy post about NY coming tomorrow. I needed to write today though. I had an absolute b.l.a.s.t. and am already planning another trip in the Spring… or maybe, one day… moving there.

Happy Hump Day, lovers.
And I do apologize for my lack of posts/comments.
I'll be back tomorrow.
☺

Random Latenight Ramblings... and then some. ;)

BUSY. That's my life in one word. Ok, so maybe it's not as much physically being busy, but mentally- I have been slammed. FTR though, I have been busy with work too. As in, almost every.single.night. I love it.

Today was a hard day.
The kind of day where you hesitate getting out of bed.
Memories.

They creep in just when I least expect it and when they shouldn't. I've learned to deal with the memories that graze through my mind when they are expected- a certain sports game comes on at work that he adored {and I still personally love the game}, a certain video game is mentioned by the boys at work {still don't get that stupid game}, a certain city is brought up where ten thousand memories were made, friends are planning their weddings and I imagine that a ton of friends are about to get engaged now that Christmas is just around the corner. {36 days, WHAT} I've learned to filter through these memories. They enter my mind and I've learned to force them out just as quickly as they ruthlessly barge in.

But then sometimes it slams me like a 2 year old running into a glass door. I still on occasion have a minor panic attack when I go to play with my ring and it's not there... my heart pounds thinking where I may have left it. Or I think darn, I forgot my ring when I'm in the car on my way to...anywhere. I still think about texting him to see what he thinks sounds good for dinner. I see something ornate and I think to myself, this would look great in the apartment... until I remember I don't live there anymore. There are moments when I still think it's this time last year- long distance. If I can just get through these next few days, everything will be normal again. I get giddy for a moment... and then remember reality.

Cold, hard, spit-in-your-face reality.

I just have this nagging feeling. And it's frustrating trying to determine if it's just me being a girl or if it's my Greater speaking to me.

I was at work tonight and a woman, probably about 10 years my elder was a guest at one of my tables. She was classy: she questioned the wines we offered, requesting the expensive glass, never a hint of snobbish attitude. She was dressed in a modestly classy way, not flashing designer logos but it was clear that her sweater probably didn't come off the sale rack at Target. She ordered a decent size filet mignon and healthy sides in comparison to 'mashed taters n gravy.
I watched her during her entire stay with her friends- she laughed and had the most expressive and genuine smile about her that made it seem as if she was glowing. She listened intently during conversation and whenever I approached the table, it was almost as if she wanted me to pull up a chair and join them. -she was that interested in me-

This was what was different about this woman though:

she had no right leg or right arm.

She sat in a power chair, the kind that we think to be reserved for a nursing home. Her friend had to cut her steak up for her like a mother would to her 2 year old. She needed assistance accomplishing even the smallest of tasks, like holding the paper so she could sign her credit card slip.

She won't go running tomorrow like I will.
She won't put on that fabulous pair of killer stilettos and
go dancing with her girlfriends this weekend.
She probably won't even be able to get into her own car without
some kind of assistance.

As I was cleaning the table after they left, I wondered to myself if she was secretly jealous of me. Here I am, in the middle of a pity party because I think my life is in shambles. Unlike her though, things will get better for me. I have another chance, and the only chance she has to ever have 4 limbs again includes physically painful surgeries and therapy and even then- it's not the real thing. I wondered if she was secretly jealous of me- secretly jealous that I am now able to go buy a pair of fabulous new shoes thanks to the uh.mazing tip she left me... jealous that I can drive a stick shift with both feet, jealous when she saw me skip into the kitchen or even jealous of the simple fact that i was able to walk {not ride} to the table. This lady put things into perspective for me tonight. While it's ok to talk/write about my feelings, I do need to remember perspective. For the rest of her life, this woman will walk around with physical scars from whatever happened to her. every.single.day she wakes up to a constant reminder of her physical disability. But yet this woman looked like the happiest woman I have ever seen in my life. I am so thankful for this woman, who out of 50+ tables... was placed in my 2 table section. Funny how God works things out like that.

In other news:
I'm taking myself shopping on Friday night.
Follow my twitter for some outfit pics!

Those outlets have been calling my name for the last few weeks, begging me to just drop by for a drink or two... you know, a chit-chat catch up sesh on what's new.

In the mean time,
check out Sprinkle's new'do.
Show her some love and beg her to come back to the blogging world.

Also check out Pearls and Curls- new follow? YES PLEASE!! She's new to the blogging world, so show her some looooove!!

Apologies

I need to write a quick letter before I go on with my happy blog post.

Dear Sallie Mae,
I hate you more than anything else in the world. You put on a pretty face at first, but deep down you are nothing but a mean muggin' whore with bad hair and ugly shoes {as fabulously quoted from the words of Elizabeth Marie}. Lets please begin an effort to try and make this situation better by hiring people who actually speak English. I really don't appreciate you sucking all my money and keeping it for yourself as you offshore all communication to third parties in Kazakhstan, forcing me to talk to someone with no better communication skills and knowledge of the English language than Borat himself. I can assure you that there are plenty of broke graduates in the US who would be happy to work for your company while they find that "dream job" that you promise to be just around the corner.

Kindly, Ema-Leigh Rust

{k, happy post now}

Sorry for the lack of posts this week ladies, but it's been one of those weeks... you know- one of those weeks that just suck the life right out of you. And just when you don't think it can "rain" anymore... the real hurricane hits. I'll spare the dirty deets for now.

I have been busy with mainly two things this week:

1. figuring out what to do with my life and finding a full-time job {not so much in this economy}
2. designing my sister's blog!! Check out some of the work I've been doing for her, then... check her out!! Leave her a comment and tell her how much you're looking forward to her posts {kindly telling her to get on the ball}

You like?? This is my favorite design that I've done so far. These are just the "raw" images... still tweeking before I upload. Also, the colors work a lot better than these low-res images that I uploaded in a hurry.

Also, I need a cute idea/name for her "blog roll".
Suggestions welcomed, please and thanks.