falling in love...

Today marks the day that 2 years ago, I naively said yes to a man who asked me to marry him. Little did I know then that I would be where I am today. That man is no longer in my life in any way and for that, I am so thankful.

His current life is irrelevant to mine; we are now two very different people living two very different lives. And who I was 2 years ago and who I am today, February 21, 2011 are two completely different women. I was once dangerously dependent, unable to make decisions without his input, naive and loved and respected that man more than I loved and respected myself. It was a tornado within a hurricane.

Every day is still a battle and every day I have to make decisions to continue to improve, to change, to grow... but who I am today is something to be proud of. With the exception of paying my own car insurance (my Dad helps me out because I'm in school), I am completely, 100% dependent on my income and my income alone. I pay my own insurance, my own bills and am working hard to reduce  debt. I'm a part time Master's student and full-time employee. I make big-girl decisions daily that will directly impact my future and most importantly, I am learning to fall in love with myself.

That is why I have decided {after much hesitation} to purchase this pendant from Ritzy Misfit's Etsy store. Because it's more than just a pendant, it's a symbol of who I am. The artist explains what I am trying to explain perfectly: "No one is perfect, but we are all beautiful. These pendants give the feeling of being beautiful, unique and rough around the edges at the same time. My work reflects the wonderful, flawed idiosyncrasies in us all... and it makes us all breath-taking."

 

 In an "E" of course :)

This is a treat for me... for getting where I am today and committing to becoming even more in the future. It's a reminder to learn to fall more in love with "me" everyday... character flaws and all.

I would love to hear if you own a piece of jewelry that shares a story!

share it in a comment!

ps. many emails and a few comments this weekend about sharing recipes and my secrets... first, THANK YOU for the encouragement. Second, recipes and secrets of staying on track coming this week!

pps. quoteable monday still coming today!

Contentment, Pt 2

I had an entire post written out about contentment, pt 2. I was putting the finishing touches on it.

Then I found this sticky note on my computer from my sister from a year ago:

Dear SIssy,

I know one day you are going to want to clear this account. I know it is going to be really really hard for you. I just want you to know how much i love and care for you. You are one of the most amazinng people i know.

Please never forget that or let anyone make you think differently.

Love,

Ana

And then I bawled.

I was using my "old account", the account I used for all my wedding planning on my computer tonight because the internet wouldn't connect on my normal account. I've been slowly deleting pictures, files, documents from this account...

I love my Sister. I cannot begin to tell you how much she got me through the worst time of my life to date. She loved me the way a little sister loves her big sister. She slept with me to keep me company. She dragged me out of the house to go for a ride. She listened to me and watched me cry daily. For months.

I miss her dearly. I need to be physically close to her again...

{circa 2008}

I can't stop crying. I think I'll keep this on my computer for a while.

I don't have a clever title for this one

I won't lie or beat around the bush about tonight's post.

I've been sad all day.

A kind of sadness though, where I'm ok- complete, 100% ok.
Still, I'm sad. heavy. emotional.

One year ago today, my life changed and was never going to return to the normal that I knew. A year ago today, I was in a ball in the kitchen floor as my mother sat next to me, handing me tissue after tissue, watching her daughter face the deepest pain she had ever known. A year ago today, the person I had trusted, love more than life itself and innocently given my entire heart to shattered the world as I knew it.

Today has stirred up more emotions that I care to allow, but I'm also completely at peace with it. It's a step in healing; it's grieving and most importantly, it's a step in moving forward. I've had to close my eyes several times today as I choked back years; it was during these moments that I came to the understanding and peace that it's ok that I'm grieving today, it's ok that tears are stinging my eyes.

I have a feeling that these coming weeks will be an emotional roller-coaster. I'll have my ups and downs; my days where I'm on top of the world and other days where I want nothing more than to crawl into bed and read my favorite novel in an attempt to escape the present emotion and slip into a world where I can easily predict the entire ending chapter.

I am determined of several things this month:

1. I will exercise to fight even the slightest hints of depression
2. I will {finally} finish "my story" that I haven't had the courage to finish for fear of facing the emotion that would accompany my writing
3. I will go through this process, I will grieve and I will cry, but I won't let this be a road block to the promising future I hold.

This part of my life is and always will be a part of my past. I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and and I'm definitely not embarrassed to write about it anymore. Everyone deals with grief differently. So, let this be your warning: if anyone dares tell me this is something I shouldn't be writing about or should have "let go" long ago, then I suggest you read something else. I will cut you.


With a few boxes of Kleenex and a few longs calls home, I'll make it through this. I'll be a stronger person with a brighter future. It helps that I have the most amazing support group known to mankind.

As promised...

... another chapter...

Click here for the first two chapters.

Part III

My lovely ladies (and the few gentlemen that read this), I do apologize for being so MIA lately. I’ve been on several trips- a quick visit to Virginia and another one to New Jersey back to back. They were all a blast, just time to catch up on the real world now.

This month so far has been hard. But I envision myself like a brick wall. Beat me up, crash into me, throw yourself against me- I’ll still stand. I will get through this and the scars that are left behind will only enhance my beauty and character.

Memories flood my mind and take me back. I lose focus and concentration. I don’t mean to be stuck in the past, or to relieve every moment. But believe it or not… this is therapeutic for me. It’s helping my mental state to actually get things out in logical sentences and paragraphs. Have I lost your attention yet?

Here's to another chapter...

The summer of bliss came to an abrupt end when he took an internship job position 6 hours away. Long distance. My stomach twisted into ten thousand knots when I thought about him moving away from me, but I knew I had to be strong for him. I knew that he needed my emotionless support as he chased his dreams. After moving him up to the City of Brotherly Love, he dropped me off at the airport and told me that, “although the next few months were going to be tough… he was doing it for us… and for our future.” He promised me right there that he would be back for me. He wasn’t going to leave me behind. He was committed. And that was that.

I believed him. I held onto his words, it’s what got me through every day. I did everything in my power to support him, even though the distance wounded my very being. I threw myself into school and work to keep my mind off him being so far away, and the weekends that we were able to see one another- I held onto every second we were together.

Aside from the distance being between us, this was also one of the hardest times of my life for other reasons. My brother became horribly ill and it was months of painful sickness before the doctors figured out what was wrong with him. My mom needed my support and I was 6 hours away from her too... the only support I could offer was my listening ear over the telephone. My cousin was killed in a horrific accident. I faced tough times with roommates and best friends. The only thing that got me through was knowing that on December 16, my love would return to me for at least a month. I lived for the day he returned and we could put the long distance phase of our relationship in the past.

He came back and things fell into a routine. I ended up moving out of my house with my best friends and in with someone else. Things settled down after the holidays and we established a “norm” after the new semester began. I got him a job, granted- it wasn’t he most glamorous job… but in this economy, you kind of have to take what you can get. You know what I mean. I worked part time and went to school. We spent our nights off painting the city… errr- doing homework. I was just happy to be with him again, to hug him, to kiss him, to snuggle with him, to cook for him, to fold his t-shirts and tuck them neatly away in his drawer. I was just happy.

Fast forward a few weeks to February 21, 2009. You may remember this day- a year prior, we had made our friendship into an official relationship. Yep- it was our first year anniversary. We had planned to go visit his hometown for the weekend months before the actual weekend. It was a mini vacay, and we had planned to spend the days just relaxing and doing some sight-seeing, as I have a passion for historic buildings. I expected nothing more or nothing less than a quiet, restful weekend with him in one of my favorite places in the world.

That’s just how the weekend was spent, up until Saturday night. We rested, went sight-seeing and toured all the historic buildings; went to a classy dinner at a downtown swanky restaurant. He had told me that my anniversary present was coming after dinner in which he surprised me with a horse drawn carriage ride around town. I still wasn’t expecting anything. After the ride, he pulled me down off the carriage and presented me with a card. Just as I looked up in slight confusion, he was down on one knee... asking the question that every girl waits her entire life to hear. He wanted me to be his wife- and he was giving me a ring to prove it. I lunged at him squealing with glee, hugged him and cried as he spun me around.

I was officially his future Mrs. and the happiest girl in the entire world.

It's not over yet...

The Story pt.2

I'm having a rough night. {i will not cry. i will not cry. i will not cry} Just memories. I miss the closeness, the bond that was shared. How I could come home from a rough night's work and just unwind. I can't describe it, but you know the feeling. I miss having one person who truly understands me. I miss my support. My emotions are all over the wall right now.

Regardless-
here's another chapter in my story.
Enjoy.

If you missed Part I, be sure to check out the first half of this story before reading this. It’ll save you a lot of confusion…

Where did we leave off? Hmmm… that’s right. Christmas break. I had a boyfriend. That boy wasn’t him. Jealousy set in.

That break was an interesting one… one of the fastest I’ve ever experienced. I had flown down to Florida to be with my boyfriend and to ring in the new year. While I was waiting for my plane, Former and I talked for over an hour (which was the first long conversation in over 6 months via telephone). Whatever… he just missed me… or was bored... no biggie. It was nice to catch up... and better than staring thru the glass overlooking the runway. That gets old real quick.

Got a few random texts from him after that… just kind of blew them off. One or two more hour long conversations on the telephone and before I knew it… he was inviting me to a hockey game on Valentine’s Day. Wait- I had a boyfriend. I was supposed to be spending that day with the boyfriend. Not my best friend… huh?

Random texts became more frequent- what are you doing? Who are you with? How’s your boyfriend? Can we do dinner soon… just like old time... and please leave ahem, your boyfriend at home...

After countless fights with the boyfriend over this guy, I finally decided to take the plunge. I called Former out. Told him we had to talk. Why all of the sudden are you texting me and calling me… wondering what I’m doing and who I’m with all the time? Oh… and the whole dinner thing- do you honestly think it’s ok for me to go to dinner with you (which you paid for) while my boyfriend sits at home? errrr… And Valentine’s Day? That’s a day you spend with your special someone, not your best friend.

It was during this conversation that I heard what every Disney Princess secretly wishes to hear. He told me that he was a fool for ignoring the signs that I liked him and for letting me go. He told me that I was everything that he could ever hope for in a spouse and more. He told me I was his very best friend and he’d be stupid for passing me up and not giving us a chance to be something more. And with that- he was hoping for a second chance. A second chance to be something more than my best friend; a second chance to be a man and commit to me.

My heart melted. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The man of my dreams was telling me that he liked me? He had feelings for me? He wanted to be with me…. Exclusively? No more of this “we’re just friends” game we’d been playing for so long?

A month later- February 21, 2008- in the parking lot at Wendy’s after a lunch date, he asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend. I giggled like a little schoolyard girl for weeks. And just when I would stop giggling, he would hold my hand or kiss me and I would start all over again.

Life was perfect. I laughed and giggled without stopping. I even will go as far to say that I had an extra skip in my step on my way to class every morning.

That spring semester was filled with late-night talks, a ton of cuddling, date nights, and lots of kissing. I had never been so in love in my life, or more comfortable {you know the John Mayer song, comfortable... youtube the live version and listen to the words, that was us}. He always told me- “it just feels right being with you.” He charmed me with his sweet words: “I can’t believe a guy like me got a girl like you…” “God blessed me above and beyond anything I could have ever asked for with you…” “I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.” It was like music to my soul. He thought I was sexy. He couldn’t get enough of me. He even started telling me that he couldn’t wait to buy a ring and make me his wife,. Deep down, this is most girl’s desire- to have a man chase and pursue her and tell her that she’s everything he ever wanted and more. I was just sailing, so thankful that my dreams had finally come true. I finally understood why I had gone through everything I had gone through with relationships- to find this one. You know exactly what I mean... there’s thousands of songs that sing exactly what I’m trying to say.

Spring turned to summer… one of the happiest summers of my life. I was carefree in many ways. I had the love of my life living ten minutes away. I had my own place for the summer. I had a pretty laid- back job. Days were spent by the pool or planting flowers in my beloved flower gardens and nights were spent grilling out or talking outside on the porch. We constantly did things together- lunch at a cute restaurant downtown. Going to friend’s houses after work. Late nights turned early mornings playing Rock Band. It was pure bliss in every way possible.

The next few posts will probably be tough to get through.
Stay tuned.
Love you all.

Is it ok to post this on Christmas Day?

{warning, this isn't your typical Christmasy-post. please stop reading if this offends you}

I made it through Christmas 2009.

It hit me Christmas Eve after everyone went to bed. I had a mini panic attack when I realized that the following day would be Christmas. I used to think things would have been worked out by now. I stayed up and had a good cry.

It was tough.
Very, very tough.
More-so than I let on.
I just focused on how blessed I am to have a hilarous family to celebrate with.
My brother came home.
And that made me very happy.
I also got everything my little heart could ever want and more.
Not to mention, the after-Christmas shopping starts tomorrow.
:)

Is it ok that my first post of the story is on Christmas?
I think so...

First and foremost, I owe credit where credit is due. Thank you Rasha, from And This Is What She Said for the inspiration to get this out. I love you girl; thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

For the rest of you- I hope that over the next weeks, as this story unfolds... I’m able to help you… I’m able to inspire you to pick up the pieces and move on, no matter how broken or shattered you may feel through whatever circumstance you are facing.

I hope that I inspire you to relearn and redefine happiness in your own terms, and not someone else’s. And if this is an adventure that you’re willing to take- redefining happiness, email me. We’ll face it together. I’ll cry with you, listen to you and laugh with you. Really, I will.

Disclaimer:

as stated before, I don’t write because I secretly am hoping that somehow, someway he will discover this blog, rethink his decision and come running back to me. So, if you’re reading this- great. It’s your way of stay connected without actual communication. Also, I don’t write out of bitterness. Am I still angry? At times, yes. But I have taken a conscious effort from the very beginning to not let bitterness triumph over my other emotions. I’m allowed to be angry for what happened. I don’t want it to develop into bitterness.

With all that being said, here’s part 1.

The meet:

Let’s take it back to 2004. I was a freshman in college, surrounded by girls everywhere. Granted, I had a few good guy friends, but since I lived with all girls… it was like girls night times seven nights a week. Fun at times, but you know how girls are… oh… you know.

It was a snowy night that we met. School had been canceled that day because of the snowstorm {which in the south was a huge deal} and my girlfriends and I had been out looking for fun {errrr… trouble, what?}. Completely by chance, my group passed his group of friends who were out enjoying the freshly fallen snow as well. The group hit it off instantly; in just a matter of a few minutes, we were all sledding down mountains in Rubbermaid containers and mattresses like we had all been friends for years. Ooooh, college…

We ended the evening by spinning donuts in the mall parking lot and a number/aim {back when that was cool} exchange frenzy. Somehow, even though I had my eye on someone else… our names crossed paths and no sooner than I had gotten back to my dorm did I have a message from him on my computer.

The rest of the semester was spent talking to each other into the wee hours of the morning. No sparks, just friends… mutually.

After returning from summer break, we found ourselves in the same social crowd… again completely by chance. Over the year, our friendship was strengthened and by the end of the school year… he was one of my very best friends. I could talk to him about anything, guys, school, personal issues… anything.

School was let out again for the summer, only this particular summer we stayed in contact. By the time we returned to school in the fall, we were almost inseparable. After “going through” a few guys, I started to realize this {fall} semester that every guy I considered dating just fell short from where Former stood...

I’ll never forget it… as we departed for Christmas break 2006, I realized I had fallen helplessly and pathetically in love with this boy… but I kept my mouth shut. Like most girls, I wanted to be pursued… and I would tell myself every night that if it’s meant to be… it would happen.

I prayed, every night I prayed for him. I prayed so many prayers for him and about him. So many sleepless nights I found myself awake just praying. I knew he was going to be somebody special if I was just patient enough.

By the time summer rolled around though, nothing had happened and I started to realize that I couldn’t continue giving him myself without any kind of commitment back from him- so I backed off. I cried like a baby when we hugged goodbye for the summer because I knew that things couldn’t be the same when we returned.

That summer, I actually ended up dating someone else. Funny though, because I refused to tell Former that I was actually in a committed relationship with someone else. Although I thought about Former every single day, I kept my distance for the sake of my emotional health. If we hung out, it was in groups. I stopped calling him all the time and left the communication up to him. If he wanted to talk, I would be there {that's my loyal personality shining through}- but I had to stop offering myself to him emotionally.

I kept my guard till Christmas of that semester {my junior year- our friendship 3 years deep}. I’ll never forget that night. We were some of the few students that had to stay past finals week to work. He was lonely- so he called to hang out. Over dinner that night, I finally told him that I was in a relationship… as in, yes- I had a boyfriend. He was almost shocked. And later told me that he instantly became jealous. I was his girl… not some other dude’s girl. Still nothing was mentioned and I went on with my business...

You'll have to come back for part 2. ;)

I’ll be back this week to talk about my very first award for this blog!

And I can't leave off without asking about your Christmas!!
How was it???
What was your favorite gift?